Malachi 2:9 "So
I have caused you to be despised and humiliated before all the people, because
you have not followed my ways but have shown partiality in matters of the law."
(No, that's not the first
People on Earth don't realize it, but people in
heaven can see into Hell and vice versa. One day, God and the Devil
know, my people see your people, with the jazz bands, the all-night
partying, drinking and debauchery, and they complain about just
sitting around on clouds all day."
and my people complain about the heat, having to work most of the
time, and that your people can just sit around."
like to build a fence, but it's not fair for you to get the benefit
without paying for anything."
problem - I'll pay half. Just send me the bill when its finished."
I built the fence over a year ago. I sent you the bill, and you
still haven't paid. If you don't pay, I'll sue!"
yeah?!? Where are you
gonna find a lawyer???"
Proof that God is merciful
. . .
The Bible says "There was war in Heaven."
and God cast Lucifer out.
If God had really been ticked off
He would have put Lucifer on trial - and made him pay attorneys'
Why don't lawyer's worry about the wages of sin?
They charge "professional fees", not
The prisoner paced back and forth nervously in
the holding area, waiting for his lawyer, who finally arrived, after
what seemed like an eternity.
gotta get me outta here! My cellmate is crazy!!!"
I was talking with some of the guards while they were processing
me through. Your cellmate is in for white collar crime."
-- he killed a priest!"
Bring burn ointment
Hell has a special entrance for lawyers. The sign
reads "Let's see you talk your way out of this,
A lawyer died and found himself at the Pearly Gates.
He waited awhile, but no one came. He waited some more, and still
no one came. Finally, he called out "Hello, is anybody there?"
Suddenly, he heard Jesus' voice:
"I'm sorry. I'm in a meeting right now. I'll
have to get back to you."
The Devil has a special punishment for lawyers:
The lawyer is led into a room, and the Devil says
"There are different things we do here. Tell me about your
life." After the lawyer talks about his life the Devil says
"I'll need some money to get the ball rolling." The lawyer
gives him some money. The Devil says "Okay, you can go outside
for awhile. I'll let you know when they make a decision on what
to do with you."
The lawyer waits several weeks. He calls, but the
Devil is not in, so he leaves a message. No one responds, so a few
weeks later he calls again. The Devil's secretary says the lawyer
needs to send more money, so he does.
Several weeks later the lawyer calls again. The
Devil is in conference, so the lawyer leaves a message. Several
weeks later he calls again. The Devil is on a long distance call.
The secretary says to send more money, so he does.
Several weeks later ...
For years, a debate raged in legal circles: Does
death occur when the heart stops beating or when the brain stops
A man was put on trial for attempted murder for
stabbing his victim in the heart. The defendant, a medical doctor,
claimed he should only be charged with simple assault.
Doctor: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm a medical
doctor. I know about these things. In fact, it's possible for a
person to live with no heart at all!"
Prosecutor: "Doctor, how is it possible for
someone to live without a heart?"
Doctor: "You're a lawyer ... you tell me!"
Once again, the lawyer was bragging, carrying on
endlessly about how much he had paid for his extravagant garden,
with lush, exotic plants from the four corners of the globe, meticulously
maintained by an entire staff of gardening experts.
Finally, one of the guests remarked "Yeah,
it shows you what God could do if he had money!"
The justices of the United States Supreme Court
were being honored at a meeting of the American Bar Association,
when a photographer asked to take their picture.
The photographer asked "I'm sorry, there are
some problems with shadows. Could you all lean a little more to
the left?", and they sought to oblige.
They all fell over.
How can you get a lawyer to sell his soul to the
A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer were having a discussion.
They didn't see eye to eye on everything, but the lawyer did agree
with about 80 percent of what the priest and the rabbi said.
Unfortunately, they were discussing the Ten Commandments!
And God spoke to Moses, saying:
I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear
me the good news first."
good news is that I will smite the Egyptians with plagues because
they oppress my people. I will turn the Nile to blood. I will send
a plague of frogs to cover their lands. I will send a plague of
locusts to destroy their crops. Gnats and flies will infest the
Pharaoh's people, and their cattle will die and rot in the fields.
I shall send down hail and darkness on the land of Egypt as punishment
for their oppression. The Pharaoh will finally agree to let my people
go, but then he will change his mind. He will send forth his armies
to once again enslave my people. I shall part the Red Sea and you
shall lead my people across. When Pharaoh's armies attempt to follow,
I shall close the Sea, and they all shall die for their inequity."
be to You, O Lord, but what is the bad news?"
have to write the environmental-impact statement!"
you should put in a trap door, and every time a lawyer makes a ridiculous
argument, just open it!"
do it. The basement's already full!"
"The other day I heard this horrendous speech
about the coming of the end of the world, how the future of mankind
was beyond hope, and how life as we know it would cease to exist
if the listeners didn't do what this guy said they should do."
Those "fire and brimstone" preachers
can really get scary!
Preacher?! It was a lawyer making a closing argument
in Small Claims Court!
AND SO IT CAME TO PASS that the Lawyers joined
together in Solemn Contemplation. They paused for a Moment of Reflection
and Quiet Introspection and, so that they might have Success, Wealth,
Power, and Influence, they offered up a Sacrifice ...
A Medical Doctor!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY BAD ABOUT
Having so many lawyers around!
Out of curiosity, the accident victim and his lawyer
attended a revival meeting being conducted by a travelling evangelist
preacher who had acquired a large following and an excellent reputation.
Much to their surprise, they discovered that the
evangelist truly had the power to heal. He laid his hand on a blind
man and the man jumped up, shouting "I can see! I can see!
Bless you, Father, bless you!" Then the preacher touched a
deaf man and said "Tell me your name." The man jumped
up, shouting "I can hear! I can hear!"
Seeing the accident victim, in a wheelchair, with
multiple casts and bandages, the minister approached.
Suddenly, the lawyer stood up. "Don't you
dare touch him! The trial isn't until next week!"
The lawyer finally went on to his great reward.
Saint Peter met him at the Pearly Gates, greeted him warmly,
and started showing him around Heaven.
As they got further and further into Heaven, the
neighborhoods got more and more beautiful.
Finally, they reached the most beautiful
part of Heaven. Standing in front of a beautiful mansion,
Saint Peter told the lawyer "This is where you
will be staying."
The lawyer responded "I'm kind of surprised.
I was just a lawyer. I'd think you would keep places like
this for ministers, bishops, cardinals, popes, and so on, not for
Saint Peter replied "Oh, heck, we've got millions
of ministers, bishops, cardinals, and so on. We've got dozens
"Do you have any idea how rare it is to get
a lawyer up here???"
MAN HAS FREE WILL.
It's probate that costs a fortune!
The two businessmen had both gone to the same lawyer
for help in settling insurance claims. While they were waiting,
they struck up a conversation, and each learned that the other's
business had also been destroyed.
"So, how'd it happen to you?" asked the
"Fire. Destroyed everything. What happened
to your business?"
"Flood", replied the first businessman.
"Really? How do you arrange a flood?"
The lawyer was reading the late husband's Last
Will and Testament.
"Mrs. Jones, your late husband left everything
he had to the Home for Poor Widows."
"But what about me?" Mrs. Jones asked
"You were all he had!"
A doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant were standing
around in a singles bar. Suddenly, an angel walked in the door,
walked up to the doctor and said "I'm an angel. If you believe
in me enough to give me twenty dollars, I can promise you life everlasting."
The doctor sneered and replied "Sorry, pal,
I'm an atheist. I don't believe in angels. Go peddle it elsewhere."
Next, the angel approached the accountant, who
hesitated a moment and then reached for his wallet. Handing the
angel a twenty he replied "To tell you the truth, I'm an agnostic.
I don't know if God exists or angels exist, but for twenty bucks,
why not take a chance?"
The angel then walked up to the lawyer, who immediately
said "Look, fella, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.
I don't care whether you're an angel or not. If you'll show me that
trick with the agnostic, I'll give you
The lawyer arrived at the Pearly Gates, and Saint
Peter was looking over his record. "It says here you were a
lawyer. It's pretty hard for a lawyer to get into heaven. I can
only let you in if you did something really great."
"Well," replied the lawyer, "I saw
a group of Hell's Angels harassing an old lady. I told them I was
a lawyer and they should leave immediately. Then
I knocked over their bikes, shoved the leader's girlfriend aside,
punched him right in the mouth, and spit right in his ugly face."
"That's great!" replied Saint Peter.
"When did all of this happen?"
"Oh," replied the lawyer, "about
three minutes ago..."
||YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN ...
You are on trial for murder and your lawyer is
reading a copy of:
Trial Law for Complete Idiots
||Lawyer: Okay, Mr. Jones,
I'm going to need your address.
twelve-fifty, Vatican Lane . . .
A group of lawyers were travelling by bus to a
convention. The bus hit a deer on a farm and overturned.
A few hours later the farmer was passing by and
saw what had happened. Feeling he should do the honorable
thing, he came back with some equipment and buried the entire bus-load
A few days later the police came around, looking for the lawyers.
Jones, did you happen to see a bus-load of lawyers pass by here
a few days ago?
Sure did! Their bus hit a deer and overturned over there by
Police: Good God! You
didn't call anyone???
I didn't see any point. I just got out my digging equipment
and buried them.
Police: Oh, my God! All
of them were dead!?
Well, now, . . . some of them said they weren't
. . ., but you know you can't believe anything
a lawyer says!
||Two lawyers are sitting at a bar, having drinks, one of them looking
Larry: Hey, Harry,
you look kinda down in the dumps. What happened?
Harry: We just
lost our biggest client . . . . Right after I won them
a huge case, too.
That's gotta hurt! What happened?
a bunch of us guys were sitting around celebrating our victory,
and a courier arrived with a package from the client. They
sent us a great gift -- five bottles of champaigne.
didn't . . .
. . Yup, I'm afraid I did . . .
could you? . . .
don't know . . . force of habit, I guess . . .
billed them for the time you spent opening the gift ???
Harry: I gave
them our preferred rate . . .
what's their problem ???
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a
lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed
them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What
was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just
made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That
would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage collector and,
figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would
bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How
many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash
man had just seen the movie and answered, "1,522." "That's
right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name
(c) 1998 by Rick Reinckens
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