God On The Net

Lawyer Jokes

Malachi 2:9 "So I have caused you to be despised and humiliated before all the people, because you have not followed my ways but have shown partiality in matters of the law."

(No, that's not the first joke!)


People on Earth don't realize it, but people in heaven can see into Hell and vice versa. One day, God and the Devil were talking:

God: "You know, my people see your people, with the jazz bands, the all-night partying, drinking and debauchery, and they complain about just sitting around on clouds all day."

Devil: "Yeah, and my people complain about the heat, having to work most of the time, and that your people can just sit around."

God: "I'd like to build a fence, but it's not fair for you to get the benefit without paying for anything."

Devil: "No problem - I'll pay half. Just send me the bill when its finished."

(pause ...)

God: "Hey, I built the fence over a year ago. I sent you the bill, and you still haven't paid. If you don't pay, I'll sue!"

Devil: "Oh, yeah?!? Where are you gonna find a lawyer???"


Proof that God is merciful . . .

The Bible says "There was war in Heaven." and God cast Lucifer out.

If God had really been ticked off He would have put Lucifer on trial - and made him pay attorneys' fees!


Why don't lawyer's worry about the wages of sin?

They charge "professional fees", not "wages".


The prisoner paced back and forth nervously in the holding area, waiting for his lawyer, who finally arrived, after what seemed like an eternity.

Prisoner: "You gotta get me outta here! My cellmate is crazy!!!"

Lawyer: "Relax! I was talking with some of the guards while they were processing me through. Your cellmate is in for white collar crime."

Prisoner: "Yeah -- he killed a priest!"


Lawyer's Epitath:

Bring burn ointment


Hell has a special entrance for lawyers. The sign reads "Let's see you talk your way out of this, Counselor!"


A lawyer died and found himself at the Pearly Gates. He waited awhile, but no one came. He waited some more, and still no one came. Finally, he called out "Hello, is anybody there?"

Suddenly, he heard Jesus' voice:

"I'm sorry. I'm in a meeting right now. I'll have to get back to you."


The Devil has a special punishment for lawyers:

The lawyer is led into a room, and the Devil says "There are different things we do here. Tell me about your life." After the lawyer talks about his life the Devil says "I'll need some money to get the ball rolling." The lawyer gives him some money. The Devil says "Okay, you can go outside for awhile. I'll let you know when they make a decision on what to do with you."

The lawyer waits several weeks. He calls, but the Devil is not in, so he leaves a message. No one responds, so a few weeks later he calls again. The Devil's secretary says the lawyer needs to send more money, so he does.

Several weeks later the lawyer calls again. The Devil is in conference, so the lawyer leaves a message. Several weeks later he calls again. The Devil is on a long distance call. The secretary says to send more money, so he does.

Several weeks later ...


For years, a debate raged in legal circles: Does death occur when the heart stops beating or when the brain stops functioning?

A man was put on trial for attempted murder for stabbing his victim in the heart. The defendant, a medical doctor, claimed he should only be charged with simple assault.

Doctor: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm a medical doctor. I know about these things. In fact, it's possible for a person to live with no heart at all!"

Prosecutor: "Doctor, how is it possible for someone to live without a heart?"

Doctor: "You're a lawyer ... you tell me!"


Once again, the lawyer was bragging, carrying on endlessly about how much he had paid for his extravagant garden, with lush, exotic plants from the four corners of the globe, meticulously maintained by an entire staff of gardening experts.

Finally, one of the guests remarked "Yeah, it shows you what God could do if he had money!"


The justices of the United States Supreme Court were being honored at a meeting of the American Bar Association, when a photographer asked to take their picture.

The photographer asked "I'm sorry, there are some problems with shadows. Could you all lean a little more to the left?", and they sought to oblige.

They all fell over.


How can you get a lawyer to sell his soul to the Devil?

Hire him.


A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer were having a discussion. They didn't see eye to eye on everything, but the lawyer did agree with about 80 percent of what the priest and the rabbi said.

Unfortunately, they were discussing the Ten Commandments!


And God spoke to Moses, saying:

God: "Moses, I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Moses: "Give me the good news first."

God: "The good news is that I will smite the Egyptians with plagues because they oppress my people. I will turn the Nile to blood. I will send a plague of frogs to cover their lands. I will send a plague of locusts to destroy their crops. Gnats and flies will infest the Pharaoh's people, and their cattle will die and rot in the fields. I shall send down hail and darkness on the land of Egypt as punishment for their oppression. The Pharaoh will finally agree to let my people go, but then he will change his mind. He will send forth his armies to once again enslave my people. I shall part the Red Sea and you shall lead my people across. When Pharaoh's armies attempt to follow, I shall close the Sea, and they all shall die for their inequity."

Moses: "Praise be to You, O Lord, but what is the bad news?"

God: "You have to write the environmental-impact statement!"


Observer: "Judge, you should put in a trap door, and every time a lawyer makes a ridiculous argument, just open it!"

Judge: "Can't do it. The basement's already full!"


"The other day I heard this horrendous speech about the coming of the end of the world, how the future of mankind was beyond hope, and how life as we know it would cease to exist if the listeners didn't do what this guy said they should do."

Those "fire and brimstone" preachers can really get scary!

Preacher?! It was a lawyer making a closing argument in Small Claims Court!


AND SO IT CAME TO PASS that the Lawyers joined together in Solemn Contemplation. They paused for a Moment of Reflection and Quiet Introspection and, so that they might have Success, Wealth, Power, and Influence, they offered up a Sacrifice ...

A Medical Doctor!



Having so many lawyers around!


Out of curiosity, the accident victim and his lawyer attended a revival meeting being conducted by a travelling evangelist preacher who had acquired a large following and an excellent reputation.

Much to their surprise, they discovered that the evangelist truly had the power to heal. He laid his hand on a blind man and the man jumped up, shouting "I can see! I can see! Bless you, Father, bless you!" Then the preacher touched a deaf man and said "Tell me your name." The man jumped up, shouting "I can hear! I can hear!"

Seeing the accident victim, in a wheelchair, with multiple casts and bandages, the minister approached.

Suddenly, the lawyer stood up. "Don't you dare touch him! The trial isn't until next week!"


The lawyer finally went on to his great reward.  Saint Peter met him at the Pearly Gates, greeted him warmly, and started showing him around Heaven.

As they got further and further into Heaven, the neighborhoods got more and more beautiful.

Finally, they reached the most beautiful part of Heaven.  Standing in front of a beautiful mansion, Saint Peter told the lawyer "This is where you will be staying."

The lawyer responded "I'm kind of surprised.  I was just a lawyer. I'd think you would keep places like this for ministers, bishops, cardinals, popes, and so on, not for me."

Saint Peter replied "Oh, heck, we've got millions of ministers, bishops, cardinals, and so on.  We've got dozens of popes."

"Do you have any idea how rare it is to get a lawyer up here???"



It's probate that costs a fortune!


The two businessmen had both gone to the same lawyer for help in settling insurance claims. While they were waiting, they struck up a conversation, and each learned that the other's business had also been destroyed.

"So, how'd it happen to you?" asked the first businessman.

"Fire. Destroyed everything. What happened to your business?"

"Flood", replied the first businessman.

"Really? How do you arrange a flood?"


The lawyer was reading the late husband's Last Will and Testament.

"Mrs. Jones, your late husband left everything he had to the Home for Poor Widows."

"But what about me?" Mrs. Jones asked dejectedly.

"You were all he had!"


A doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant were standing around in a singles bar. Suddenly, an angel walked in the door, walked up to the doctor and said "I'm an angel. If you believe in me enough to give me twenty dollars, I can promise you life everlasting."

The doctor sneered and replied "Sorry, pal, I'm an atheist. I don't believe in angels. Go peddle it elsewhere."

Next, the angel approached the accountant, who hesitated a moment and then reached for his wallet. Handing the angel a twenty he replied "To tell you the truth, I'm an agnostic. I don't know if God exists or angels exist, but for twenty bucks, why not take a chance?"

The angel then walked up to the lawyer, who immediately said "Look, fella, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I don't care whether you're an angel or not. If you'll show me that trick with the agnostic, I'll give you fifty bucks!"


The lawyer arrived at the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter was looking over his record. "It says here you were a lawyer. It's pretty hard for a lawyer to get into heaven. I can only let you in if you did something really great."

"Well," replied the lawyer, "I saw a group of Hell's Angels harassing an old lady. I told them I was a lawyer and they should leave immediately.  Then I knocked over their bikes, shoved the leader's girlfriend aside, punched him right in the mouth, and spit right in his ugly face."

"That's great!" replied Saint Peter. "When did all of this happen?"

"Oh," replied the lawyer, "about three minutes ago..."


You are on trial for murder and your lawyer is reading a copy of:

Trial Law for Complete Idiots

27 Lawyer:  Okay, Mr. Jones, I'm going to need your address.

Witness: (slowly): twelve-fifty, Vatican Lane . . .

Lawyer: Bless you!


A group of lawyers were travelling by bus to a convention.  The bus hit a deer on a farm and overturned.

A few hours later the farmer was passing by and saw what had happened.  Feeling he should do the honorable thing, he came back with some equipment and buried the entire bus-load of lawyers.

A few days later the police came around, looking for the lawyers.

Police: Farmer Jones, did you happen to see a bus-load of lawyers pass by here a few days ago?

Farmer Jones: Sure did!  Their bus hit a deer and overturned over there by the ravine!

Police: Good God!  You didn't call anyone???

Farmer Jones:  I didn't see any point.  I just got out my digging equipment and buried them.

Police: Oh, my God!  All of them were dead!?

Farmer Jones: Well, now, . . . some of them said they weren't . . ., but you know you can't believe anything a lawyer says!

29 Two lawyers are sitting at a bar, having drinks, one of them looking very morose.

Larry:  Hey, Harry, you look kinda down in the dumps.  What happened?

Harry: We just lost our biggest client . . . .  Right after I won them a huge case, too.

Larry: Ouch!  That's gotta hurt!  What happened?

Harry: Well, a bunch of us guys were sitting around celebrating our victory, and a courier arrived with a package from the client.  They sent us a great gift -- five bottles of champaigne.

Larry:  You didn't . . .

Harry:  . . . Yup,  I'm afraid I did . . .

Larry:  How could you? . . .

Harry:  I don't know . . .  force of habit, I guess . . .

Larry:  You billed them for the time you spent opening the gift ???

Harry: I gave them our preferred rate . . .

Larry:  So what's their problem ???


Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage collector and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "1,522." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

31 And, of course, we dare not leave out the classic . . .

How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?


(c) 1998 by Rick Reinckens

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