HOW MANY LAWYERS
DOES IT TAKE T O
SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?

1. Why does the bulb need to be screwed in?  What happened to the last bulb (if any)?
    

2. Is the bulb in civil court, criminal, probate, or bankruptcy court, or in a government agency?
    

3. Is it state or federal?
    

4. Is this a one-time arrangement, or is this a client that has had the firm screw in a significant number of lightbulbs in the past?
    

5. How much work does the firm anticipate will be involved in screwing in each bulb?
    
6. Is the client paying hourly, per bulb, a flat rate, or a percentage fee?
    
7. Is the fee for screwing in the bulb contingent?
    

8. Will the firm have to split the bulb-screwing fee with a lawyer who referred the matter requiring bulb-screwing?
    

9. Is it likely that the lawfirm will have to associate an outside specialist in bulb screwing to handle the more difficult or specialized bulbs?
    

10. Is this a class action?
     
11. Does the lawyer represent (a) the plaintiff or (b) the defendant?
     

12. (A) If the client is a plaintiff:
     
    Is there the possibility of recovering significant, though nevertheless wholly inadequate, compensation for mental pain and anguish suffered by the client while he was wrongfully deprived of his lawful right to light from a bulb that was defectively produced with a view only toward profits and with utter disregard for the potential injury a person  could sustain as a result of having to go bulbless?
     
    (B) If the client is a defendant:
     
    Is the client facing the possibility of significant liability in punitive damages to persons who have never done an honest day's work in their entire lives and who only want to defraud  honest, hardworking suppliers of lightbulbs who merely want to 'light up the public's life'?
     

13. Who pays the cost of the bulbs?
     

14. Who pays transportation, ordering, etc., costs for the bulbs?
     

15. Is this likely to lead to a significant amount of future bulb-screwing work for the firm?
     

16. What will be the impact on the firm's current bulb-screwing clients?
     

17. What will be the impact on the firm's current clients who don't need bulbs screwed in by members of the lawfirm?
     

18. Can the firm be held liable to the client for bulb-screwing malpractice?
     

19. If so, can the firm obtain bulb-screwing malpractice insurance, and what will be the premiums?
     

20. What is the firm's potential liability to third-parties in the event a bulb is improperly screwed in by a member of the firm?
     

21. Will members of the firm have to meet an annual CBSE requirement? (Continuing Bulb Screwing Education)
     

22. Is the client willing to pay for travel expenses, research time, postage, etc., regarding bulbs screwed in or previously screwed in, or is the firm expected to pick up those expenses?
     

CONSIDERING ALL THE FOREGOING, OF COURSE THE ANSWER IS . . .

"I'LL HAVE TO GET WITH MY PARTNERS.  WE'LL LOOK INTO IT AND GET BACK TO YOU SHORTLY."